Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Dreading returning to work

I have to go in to work on Friday. Ugh!

My friend Leah sent me some awesome nail polish, so I put it to good use today to lift my mood!

Charlie taking a nap while I knit and rock in our recliner.


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Time warp

I've apparently lost yesterday and today. I thought it was Monday until my husband asked if I was going to make our house ready for visitors coming day after tomorrow.

I have lost a whole freaking 24 hours.

Pain/pills/napping has managed to morph time...this is boggling to me!


Wishing you all plenty of respite from pain, and energy to tackle your life and do something fun. <3

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Feeling like myself again.

First, a huge thank you shout out to Mr. Swanson for sending Charlie a specially selected homemade version of a barkbox!!!


Charlie still hasn't finished the rawhide stick! That's a first!!! Usually rawhide treats last up to two hours only!!


Thank you!! 



--------------------------------------------

I had a visit from my dear friend JM yesterday, and was able to go to knit group today! I'm feeling much more like what I think of as how I should feel.

 Every day I've gotten up at whatever time my body decides. Some days it's before 7am, and others it's around 11, but then I get up gently, and go feed all the critters...Zeus outside, mischief and mayhem and then Charlie inside. I wash my face, and sit on the side of the tub to comb my hair, and then I walk with Charlie back to the bedroom to put on day clothes and make the bed. Charlie brings me everything I ask for (some days with only one request, and other days it takes quite a bit of coddling). By this time, the inside cats are done eating and eager to "help me make the bed" aka run like wild beasts under the sheets chasing out wrinkles and playfully grabbing the blanket as it settles down.

Then it's my turn to actually eat. I've been washing face, combing hair, and EATING every day of my leave (except those first two days. I slept). I'm very proud of this. Most days while working I've been washing my face, throwing on clothes and dealing with my hair in stop and go nightmare morning traffic. NOT girly or professional at all! And then I just sleep all weekend, leaving all the chores undone. No dishes or clothes washed, no bed made, nothing done.


 ...So I take my first three daily pills with Breakfast.

Then I sit until I feel better, but it's not so bad because I have Charlie who is willing to play gently or bring me the remote or iPad, and I have mayhem to use as a heating pad, and mischief to look at (she really is pretty....and a touch me not to boot! )

When I feel better, it's usually time to take Charlie out and feed him his elevensies (he eats like a hobbit! 4 or more times a day...a cup at a time) and maybe get his help loading the dryer, or taking him outside so we can both try to get vitamin d exposure (the lab results came I and I'm very very low on vitamin d. 1000 iui wasn't registering in the recent blood work, and I've been on it quite awhile.)

Then I am tired again, and give myself permission to be tired and lazy, because I have paperwork saying I have to be restful or I will not be allowed back at work, so I chill out and watch Charlie gnaw a bone, or we watch a nature documentary with lions or dogs. My stomach rumbles, and yay! It's a whole ten steps to the kitchen instead of a long walk, elevator ride, long walk and scarf it down because you have 20 minutes plus more walking to make sure you're at your desk on time.
I take as much time as I need for my throat to accept the food, and I'm not left feeling bruised and exhausted, because I took the time to eat each bite so I don't pop my jaw, like I do I while hurrying. It's time for the next round of meds, and I fight it just a bit, because I don't want to sleep while I'm alone with Charlie,because he's a baby and needs full attention.

After that, I might wipe the big counter and load my few dishes, and then rest and knit, or practice commands with Charlie, but at 3pm, I know to expect husband home, and when he does come home, Charlie bursts to full life and activity, rough housing with him and I know I can nap if I need to. 

That's just half a day. 
I love my career, and feel like I am helping to save lives. I'm looking forward to going back. I will be honest that I feel much more rested here at home, and it's refreshing to take this sabbatical. <3

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Charlie has been busy!

I'm still on medical leave from work.

Charlie has been a great comfort to me. He's picked up all sorts of things he's never encountered before! A bowl, my iPad mini (it was on its side), an empty egg carton, a small Tupperware dish! He's been helping with the laundry, getting my shoes and practicing at curbs with me.

Charlie has also been busy eating cow bones, playing ball, tugging rope, catching his baby doll mid-air, and catching up on sleep and episodes of "too cute!" On netflix.

Today was a huge day hat left me physically drained, and I was really glad to have him with me. I wonder sometimes if he gets overwhelmed leading such an active life with me...or if he regrets picking me at the shelter. He doesn't seem to, but I am starting to really count on his help.

Here's a picture of my special boy!


He wanted my eggplant "Parmesan" (gluten and dairy free alternative)! No begging, buddy boy!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Sunday snuggles

Charlie has been a great comfort today. It's one of those days where my balance is off and my hands don't want to work. He's picked up a bowl, the remote, the iPad mini and a water bottle and it's only 1:25 pm.

Here's a picture of Charlie and mayhem snuggling while I watch tv:


Another affirmation during my sabbatical.



Another affirmation during my sabbatical.

Monday, March 10, 2014

2 weeks...

I saw the doctor today. I've been put on two weeks leave from work, to focus on my health. I'm not gonna lie, it's a hard pill to swallow to admit that all my efforts over the past few month haven't been enough to pull me through, and they also haven't helped me take care of myself. All my efforts have backfired on me, and it's causing a faster breakdown.

sigh.

I wonder if I'll finally have the energy to make food for myself. I wonder if I'll get anything done. I wonder if I'm going to have renewed energy to try again and have better balance, or if this time off is going to reassure me that I really do need to fight tooth and nail for disability again.

I've got two weeks to figure it out.

Non verbal again.




My patient companion. <3


Friday, March 7, 2014

Sometimes I think I have a knack for this...

There's this horrible drawer at work that everybody uses. It's grimy, and junked up.

Today on my lunch break, I hit the dollar tree right around the corner and bought a utensil divider and two small baskets. Back at work, I took everything out of the drawer, threw it up on the counter, quickly sprayed the empty drawer and dried it off. I laid down a few strips of packing tape, and laid the dividers down. I wrote "knife, fork, spoon, straws" on the utensil drawer, and "sauces" on one basket, and "napkins" on the other. After that, I quickly sorted out what was still good for use, put it all in place, and tested the drawer....

BANG!

Nothing slid out of place. Success! And for only $2.16! A drawer that everybody needs, and hated to use is now colorful and organized. Oh - did I mention the system I put in fits PERFECTLY? :)

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Broken keychains

I have been though 6 keychains this month. It's only the 6th!

I don't know what kind of evil my handbag is working on my keys in order to break the keychain fob off, but it just keep happening! I have a little pile of broken keychain bits on my dresser.

I'm at work and I'm thinking only about being in bed. My pain has flared during the night and the new round of pills I swallowed at breakfast haven't kicked in yet.

I'm aggrivated at our TCBY. It never has the Silk option for frozen yogurt, and I got a coupon for free yogurt for my birthday and so I'm pouting. Apparently my pout is lasting all week! At least Starbucks never lets me down. I got a Mocha frappuchino with soy and no whip this morning, and Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm! It's awesome. I plan on going to Jason's Deli and getting a sandwich today for lunch. I have a coupon for $5 off any item, and I'm thinking it sounds pretty tasty.

I love birthdays. I have to work on mine though. Saturday suckage. I'd rather just be in soft jimjams and messy hair, pain managed, curled up on the sofa chair with my kitties and Charlie at my feet eating a bone. At least I get to hang with my Mommy after work. We're going to go shoe shopping if the energy lasts! Yay!

I got a "new" organizing book from the thrift store. It's from the 1980's, but I'm hopeful it will have ideas that haven't been "pinned" to death across Pinterest. I'm a sucker for organization, self improvement and time management books/magazines/ideas.

My friend Ann went through surgery yesterday and I haven't heard how it went. I'm worried about her because although her personality is bubbly and her soul is tough as nails to make it through any challenge, she strikes me as a very physically fragile person. Like a bird - beautiful, but delicate. I'm really worried about her.

I feel like my keychain pile. I got stuck in an OCD/Anxiety/Insomnia loop night before last and only got 3 hours of sleep. I told husband if he put anything on our large kitchen counter I would muster the energy to beat him with whatever I can get my hands on. I was looped into sanitizing the counter, and after being in gloves with bleach water for 2 hours the last thing I want is to think about even a speck of dust landing on it. I'm so super sore from it that I think it's amping up the unreasonableness of my need to keep everything from touching it. On the good side of it, I did put the small bookshelf that's only waist high by our front door and now husband has a big basket to put all his little accessories and such that seem to swirl about him like pigpen's dirt (from "Peanuts" comic strip). I won't have to move them, and he won't have to constantly ask where his stuff is. It's just going to be "Check your basket, babe. I bet it's there."

Looks like my coffee break's over. Time to stand on my head. Be gentle, my Spoonies. Make today worth living for yourself and others!

Monday, March 3, 2014

The fight for "Control" and "Normal"

I'm paying for the long weekend excursion of the Birthday party.

It's not pretty.

For the first time ever I've given in to the pain and I'm wearing my bulky white "LOOK AT ME!!!!" cervical collar at work. Learning to honor my body's limitations is a biotch. I constantly juggle pride, pain, need and wants all in the effort to achieve "Control" and "Normal". I read an awesome article that related chronic illness and embarrassment and it sums it up in a very healthy way. (http://chroniccurve.tumblr.com/post/15070372449/embarrassment-and-chronic-illness)

I came in to work, pulled up in the parking lot and all I could remember was the fight I had with myself the first time I used my cane in the work place:

Brain: "Everyone's going to stare at you."
Beth: "They won't stare for more than a moment in shock."
Brain: "They're going to want to know what happened. If you were in an accident. They're going to be nosy and you'll have to answer them all."
Beth: "They're going to be curious and worried for me. They're not going to be nosy. I'll just have to tell them.
Brain: "You know it's not fair that you have to advocate everywhere you go. Just keep the cane in the car. You only wobble a bit, the pain is nothing. You've hidden pain before. You haven't fallen this week. You can just keep it in the car."
Beth: "Bite me. I'm going in."


When I got inside, of course I clocked in as fast as I could, used the least used hallways, ducked into bathrooms when I heard footfalls and finally arrived at my cubicle. I was able to get by without a single comment for all of 30 minutes.

People are naturally curious. It's not a sin or a shortcoming. It's a gift. It helps us check into the softer side of our nature with compassion or to analyze problems. Sometimes curiosity leads to great discoveries.

It's hard to choke back pride and the desire for self resiliance when your body is failing you though. It's hard to push on with bravado when you don't want anyone to pry. The first encounter with someone commenting on my cane was a trusted friend at work and he saw me walking from up ahead of him. "I don't like that, Ms. Beth!" he called out. I answered as cockily as I could with a wink: "Nobody asked you. I love the butterfly design." (He only meant he didn't like that my illness was affecting me so much.)

I'm constantly facing the truth that I can't really fight for "Normal" and "Control". It will burn me faster than jumping into a bonfire. I battled the choice to get a service dog for so long I've driven everyone I know to the brink of their ability to be patient with my waffling back and forth! And then it was: "Do I go with this agency? Do you think we can go without one? Can we afford a dog? Will work allow it, or will they find a way to phase out my job posistion (like what happened to a dear friend)?"

Every single day is full of choices. Sometimes I get so freaking sick of all the 50/50 of my life. Today's choice was unbearable pain in my neck, or open myself up to comments and concern but be in less pain. I chose less pain.

I'm the farthest thing from a role model, but Spoonies, PLEASE choose in favor of honoring your health - be it mental or physical. Otherwise your body/mind will beat you to a pulp. I promise the comments and concern sting less than the flames of a bonfire that will burn around you if you chase "Normal" or being in "Control".

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Charlie's party yesterday


 
(My big ol hiney, my friend JS and Splash)

(My friend/awesomesauce supervisor's dog Oreo)

(Me and my mommy)
(Husband running about with his go pro camera so I could relax, knowing it was all caught on film)

(My daddy made it to the party! He used all his spoons to be here!)

We had more guests, but I didn't get their permission to post. Everyone fought their health issues in order to be there: mom and dad, JS, JM, and our mutual friends A&W were there, along withmy supervisor and her son and her boyfriend. (I wish I could wax romantic here and say "lover" or something equally flowery and poetic because he is not a boy, but a very kind and awesome gentleman!)

It was the best I could wish for and beyond! We ended up with several blankets, brand new leashes, toys, cans of food, pet food bowls and toys to take to Charlie's alma mater (the humane society) later this week! Charlie got a puzzle toy and I was gifted a gorgeous scrapbook with the paper and accessories all together so I can print out pictures of Charlie and our life to keep forever. JS was afraid I already had one, but I've been so tired and scattered that I fell behind on that. I'm so excited to start!

Thank you to everyone!! I appreciate all you love, gifts, energy and kindness! Charlie had a blast and has snored all night long. Haha! :) thank you!!!!!









Saturday, March 1, 2014

It's the big day!

We're getting all the party favors put together for our friends that RSVP'd!


It's a hard job waiting for the cupcakes to come out of the oven. ;)




Happy birthday, Charlie Majors!