All we can do is keep breathing

Charlie and his new flamingo toy

It's been a long month. To be honest, it's been an emotional roller coaster of a month. I find myself randomly crying, and fainting, and laughing. Charlie always makes me laugh.

I'm still hurting over my Grandma passing away, and the fact that we weren't there when she died. I know it's unreasonable and unrealistic, but it's there in my mind.

I've recently seen a neurologist and had an MRI and an MRA. (The most expensive pictures of me that have ever been taken!) I go to see him again tomorrow to hear what he sees going on with my brain. I've been really angry and sad this month regarding health. I know it comes in doses, and I will have renewed perspective and resolve possibly even tomorrow. Right now I just want to take my body off and get a respite from it.

The neurologist said he doesn't understand why no one has mentioned Marfan syndrome to me, because I have long limbs, skinny wrists and chronic pain paired with flexibility. So now yet another rare thing is possibly wrong with me. Russian roulette: EDS, Sticklers, Marfan.  

My insurance sucks. It's better than not having any, that's for dang sure, because I've been there, and that's why I lived with all this crap without seeing doctors for 5 years. Still, they want almost a thousand dollars upfront before they will run an EEG on my heart to help hunt why I keep passing out.

Yesterday I had a scare in public. I was alone, Charlie was training and I was on my lunch break at work. I went to a smoothie shop I tend to frequent when I have spare change and the shakes, because they use real fruit and veg paired with turbinado sugar. I digress. I fainted in the shop. I think if they didn't know me, I could have been robbed by a stranger, or had another ambulance called. I was super hot and flushed red. 90 degrees apparently is too hot for me to be out in now. I have these handy ammonia bars that you snap in half, and the smell reaches me even when I'm out. It's like a lifeline that guides me back through the void. It's a nasty lifeline, because it smells like cat pee, but it's a help.

My primary care physician quit on me. I have to start the hunt for a replacement now. I have an appointment on Friday to check out a new possible doc. I'm going to hit her with everything I have and see if I scare her, or if she's willing to deal with a patient that's a bit knowledgeable and frustrated with the journey.

I have had some great support this month from family and friends though! My parents have been a rock for me, and my mother in law sent me some cash support to help pay for the extra health cost. My friends Janelle, Leah, Rachel, Sam, Monica and Hollee have been amazing support too. Constantly bringing me out of my self made shell of protection made from the emotional equivalent of tissue paper and barbed wire. Thank you for being my friends. Your love is true and so much more helpful than any medication or medical help I can get. I love you!

Matthew and Stephanie, thank you for coming to our place and keeping me company. It was so nice to have a weekend away from my version of reality - to just chat and watch BBC comedy together, and to play with the pets. I love you both.

I have a second blog...

I've been trying very hard for the past few weeks to become the most authentic "me" I can be. It started in May when I decided I was cool enough to rock another piercing, and it's snowballing from there.

I know this doesn't have anything to do with Charlie today, but it does have to do with my life, so I thought I'd share it. I'm working on a blog project and encouraging myself (and others who might be interested) to keep to a barebones schedule and attempt at keeping the dwelling space clean.

Please feel free to check it out.

Pictures

Snuggly morning

Mischief

Mayhem

Zeus, the homeless vagabond

Loki, the abandoned cat that turned feral and is now becoming domesticated again.

Have a great Sunday, everybody!

Thank you "Aunt" Catherine!

My sister in law, Catherine, sent me some finished photos from Charlie's photo shoot! I'm so excited to share them with you! One of them is hanging on our Livingroom wall already! :)

Enjoy!



Thank you, Catherine! You did an amazing job!!!

Pictures of Charlie majors

Charlie and mischief napping

Charlie in the car on the way to South Carolina

Charlie and my mom in the rental car

Napping, because car rides are boring.

Charlie giving me kisses after the visitation (my grandma passed away).

Being good at Aunt and Uncle's house.

(They don't allow animals indoors unless they're on the dinner table. I was so grateful Charlie was allowed to stay with me!)

Don't try to make sense of it.

There's another contest on the Ravelry.com supernatural fandom group.

(I had no where else to upload my contest entry.)

A tuba and an issue of "Crochet Today!"...

Catching up on my "Supernatural", "Drop Dead Diva" and yarn craft today. (Yes, that's an actual line from an episode of SPN I watched today. Lol)

Charlie is doing okay. His paw is very tender. The neighbor kids were sad for him, which made me swell with community pride. These little ragamuffins didn't have the slightest empathy for animals last month, and now they are sad that the "cool, scary dog next door" (scary because he's so large) is injured. They want to pet him, but they're so small that he's on eye level with one of them, and I can see how that might be intimidating. Just last month these kids were trying to throw rocks at a cat outside my window, and I scooped it up, took it inside and out the back door to tell the parents. The kids got in trouble, and the neighbor and I are now talking a little bit. It's a weird way to build a relationship, but it works.

I've been thinking today, especially since watching an episode of SPN with "skin walkers" (human like beings that can turn into dogs). Would I treat an animal differently than I would a human? Do I treat humans like I treat animals?

In the episode, a homeless man is "turned" and becomes a skin walker. He looks like a German shepherd, and is adopted by a single mom and her son. In the end, the woman is so freaked out, that she calls him a freak, and threatens his life if he ever comes around again, even though he saved her life multiple times while her pet.

People think me odd, because I "spoil" my animals. They eat and drink from freshly washed dishes. When I buy them kibble, it's food grade, and made in the United States. I paint Charlie's nails, not just clear, which was recommended to me, but colors that match his collar. They get a new toy every month. They're up to date on vaccinations. When it's available, they drink filtered water. I don't see how that's "spoiling" them. Inside pets, outside vagrant cats, it's all the same to me. I believe God trusts me with their care.

In genesis, man's first task was to name and care for the animals.

Saint Francis called animals his "brothers and sisters", and even preached to the birds.

My cousins laughed at and with me, for me rescuing a frog from swimming in my aunt's pool. He swam quite well, and I'm sure he would have eventually found his way to the shallow end, but he seemed a bit lost, and was chasing my cousin. While I held him in one hand, I scooped water onto the sidewalk to cool it off, since the pool was much cooler than the sidewalk. My cousin joked something along the lines of "when you die, they're going to name you as a saint for unwanted animals!"

Theologies aside, if an animal is treated with respect and a general sense of love, how is that crazy? I even ask, do we treat the homeless with even a fraction of kindness we give our dear pets, who eat purina out of the same old dirty dish day after day?

I think I'm called to love and care for animals and humans equally, because God made them both. They have feelings, needs and desires. I won't go as far as St. Francis and preach to pigeons, but it seems like my life long affection with Hugh Lofting's "Doctor Doolittle" has good standing of reasoning behind it. My only difference in obligation to humanity is to care about their souls, in addition to caring about their feelings, wants and needs. I'm a human, and my first duty is to humanity...but it shouldn't be such a wonder for society to look at me and see my care for animals. I think others should care more, not me less.

/soapbox